Measure

Life is like a standardized test

We compare scores

Success or failure

Is determined by a statistic

But we are more than just percentages

Yet we are all terrified

The fear of not being good enough

The pain of seeing others

Do things that we cannot

When did we become

Numbers

I learned long ago

That these standards

Do not apply to me

My definition of success

Has nothing to do with

What someone tells me it should be

Truth is triumph

I am excellent at failing

In that I take pride

I will not fill in the bubbles

I will not drink the kool aid

All I want is a silver moment

Where I am only myself

I have been weighed

I have been measured

I have been found wanting

And I smile

Knowing that

There is no power over me

In that judgment

The Most Obvious Secret I Keep

I’m a catastrophe

Speaking in hyperbole

And worst of all

I want the world to listen to me

Because I can’t be

The only one who can see

I can’t be the only one

With this life sentence

Who has decided they are worthy

Of punishment

Of penance

I’m not the only one

Taking the easy way out

Because I can’t hurt others

But I can hurt myself

Someone once said to me

You wouldn’t recognize it if you saw peace

And I wouldn’t

I know passion

I know impatience

I know rage

And I know the love

That comes with a blank page

But I can’t equate

Living

With serenity

So here is another calamity

A chemical imbalance

A fallacy

Another extreme

That turns into an emergency

I beg for respite

But I will never take it

It will always be the height of ecstasy

Or the depths of despair for me

With bouts of terror in between

And sadly or perhaps not

I doubt I would change it

If I could

Don’t mistake this for unhappiness

Recognize

That it is the comfort

Of a damaged child

Who will never grow up

Picture Perfect

Picture Perfect

There was once a gilded frame

It gleamed silver and its edges were embellished

It held a photograph

A cherished memory

Caught in a shutter snap

And a camera flash

There was a smile

A familiar place

A beloved face

A character out of place

A moment

A piece of time

An angle, a light, a line

Color, and black and white

Sepia tones and twilight

Before you could know

The photo began to grow

Suddenly

There were new memories

Some blurry

Some focused into purity

And some that you were

Not even sure

What they were supposed to be

But that is the nature of memory

It’s fuzzy

And amazing

It is truth and it is lies

It continues on

Even as the moment dies

It is everything we are

And yet nothing we can touch

Whether it exists or not

Doesn’t matter much

Because we are nothing but a collection

Nothing but a collage

And irrelevance is the consequence

Or the cause

So you may try to place them in a frame

These photographs

But when recollection is the game

If you can remember your name

And see behind your eyes

In the endless universe of your mind

You will realize that picture perfect

Is a joke of fate quite cruel

Because each picture is seen

Through vision in the extreme

Because the memory

Is only what is felt to you

So place them in a gilded frame

And soon it will shatter

It is the moments that make up life

Not the display that matters

Anthem

I’m a tangled mess of rage and hate and pain

With a heart that cares and cares and cares

Until I rip it from my chest and it remains beating in my hands

People say I am too intense

People say I am exhausting

My whole life I have been told there is something wrong with me

Even by those with the best intentions

And those so small they go without mention

What do you think that does to a person?

When even those who claim love and friendship

See you as an anomaly

Or is that just the mirror?

Myself looking at me?

Knowing that I don’t fit in

Sick of trying

But it’s these secrets I keep that make me feel like I’m dying

And the only breath I can take is when I am rhyming

It’s a breath I take it so that I can finally scream

Not to be heard, no this scream is for me

A scream to say I am tired and sick

A scream to say that I don’t want this

I am done with being the common denominator of betrayal

Is it my own choices that lead me down this path to hell?

Or is it fate or destiny or those other things in which I don’t believe

I don’t care anymore I only desire reprieve

Solace and rest that I thought that I would get

But here I am alone and screaming

I wish I was dreaming

So let your freak flag fly high

And scream if you’re with me

Especially if you know that no one is listening

Promise?

Promise?

I’m a bad liar, because I remember the day that I said I didn’t need you.

I can tell the truth because when you said you didn’t love me, I had the courage to say that I didn’t believe you.

There has been darkness and secrets, promises broken and tell-tale lies.

Hopelessness, helplessness and endless illusions we had been taught all our lives.

How I hated you at first how arrogant you were,

Who knew that another lesson we would learn was how to endure.

How silly you must have thought I was,

Endless talking and intensity, passion is as passion does.

Two sides of a coin, no one was more amazed than us to find.

Both far too practiced at deception but finally seen through dual jaded eyes.

We never believed in love but we ended up believing in ours.

With the sleet falling, and ice coating the windows of the car.

So much more than most we have been lost.

So much more to us was the guilt and the cost.

But when I was lost you came for me.

When I had nothing, you became my everything.

And when you were lost I came for you.

I fought so hard, the only thing I knew to do.

I cannot promise we will never be lost again.

I cannot promise no darkness I cannot promise no sin.

But I know this, when you are lost I will come for you.

So offer me this promise, you will always come for me too.

Antithesis

Antithesis

The population seems

To only have the capacity

To see two colors

Black and white

Good and evil

Right and wrong

This tunnel vision is necessary

Because those of us who know grey

Know that the world is a terrifying

Confusing ball of chaos

We are forced like slaves in hell

To make this world make sense

We buy insurance

We take vitamins

And we pretend we are safe

We monitor criminals

We pass judgment

And we lock undesirables away

We pretend that we are safe

We rely on religion

For a crutch or faith

Regardless it is our comfort

Our hope that all of this

Is not meaningless

We pretend we are immortal

We rely on science

We rely on results

But science is merely faith as well

Gravity is only a theory

And every minute we discover

How wrong we used to be

But be it health food, sweet angels, or test tubes

We all need a little light

But my light is grey

A chaos theory that comforts me

Knowing that nothing makes sense comforts me

One man’s terror is another’s serenity

What it comes down to is that

Light and dark are a matter of opinion

And it is your choice which you revel in

Unless you choose the grey

But be prepared for the world to spin

Out of control

Because seeing the grey is seeing the madness

There are only few that can handle it

But the universe would fall into disarray

If most did not choose between black and white

So what if you’re wrong?

What is you’re right?

A poem entitled The Irony Of Lucky

The Irony Of Lucky

No one said that life was easy

No one said that life was fair

But those words are lacking in description

For the torture and despair

That he found

When he realized

That there had never been love in her eyes

It was all a fantasy

A wish never to come true

Now he only wishes that he knew

That this would be a hard road to travel

Chasing the headlights on another night

Making that drive

And thinking of how easy it would be

To hit the gas a little too hard

Just to set himself free

Maybe he would be better as a memory

But he has too much to live for

Little angels

One two three four

So he fights this disease

Of body, mind, and circumstance

It’s a dangerous dance

When death is leading

And madness is the music playing

And the fact

That she is watching the suffering

Goes without saying

Is she sadistic or just sick

Does it matter?

Take your pick

She gave him the greatest gift

The undeniable love for a child

But then to manipulate and deprive

And leave him begging god

While he cries

And wants to live but feels like he will die

He is one

When he should be many

If only he could forget it would be ecstasy

But their names he whispers in his dreams

The desire never fades

He longs to be a father and a playmate

The burning need never abates

And he can’t forget what has been taken away

So sing a lullaby

On those lonely nights

An intoxicating song

That blots out the ache

The poets lied

When they said that love is all it takes

The truth is that love complicates

Love can be a weapon cataclysmic

But children grow

And realize what love isn’t

And they know that despite the obstacles

Despite the peril

Despite the detours

He traveled that road for them

A poem entitled Wonderland

 

Wonderland

 

I knew better than to fall down that rabbit hole

I knew better than to follow

A rabbit with a waistcoat and a pocket watch

But impulse took over and logic was lost

I tumbled down

And slowly I fell

Like an acid trip in hell

Where the clocks don’t tell time

But they know soliloquies and rhyme

And the only game the playing cards know

Is Russian roulette

But the guns are loaded

With nonsense bullets

They shoot you in the head

With word play and a pun

They laugh like jesters

And you wish death would come

You find yourself in a garden the roses painted red

A game of croquet begins

And once again

You almost lost your head

The queens are insane

Forcing the game

As the king stand idly by

Agreeing with every whim

“Off with his head!”

He will make sure it is anyone but him

Is it simply a con?

A trial where the one who is guilty

Is the one who dared to not claim fealty

So you taste a mushroom

And change size

You can hide or destroy

Depending on which side

You try

In hindsight

Maybe you should not have taken

The drug dealing caterpillars advice

And the chesire cat grins

Because no matter who loses

He always seems to win

If the ax falls

Much to your dread

Can you stand on your head?

But never mind that

Have another cup of tea

The Hatter has been poisoned

And the dormouse has narcolepsy

The flowers speak

Condescendingly

But if plucked from the soil

They grow silent and die

Never to be saved

And then they reside

In a shallow grave

Although I rarely ever take it

I give myself very good advice

Perhaps I should have listened about this nonsense

Perhaps I should not have indulged this vice

A slippery slope is Wonderland

Until leaving give you pause

And the crocodile welcomes little fishes in

With gently smiling jaws

And if you dare to break free

If you can find a way to

The sad fate that awaits

Is through the looking glass for you

A poem entitled The Battle for Vision

The Battle for Vision

There is a war

Ironically described as civil

Being fought between our hearts and minds

The ammunition is emotion

But it is logic that allows the bullets to fly

And we remain blinded by

This fog of war that has descended upon the battle lines

It’s color is made from the shades

Of the dull black of uncertainty

And the bright white of eternity

Merging into a soft grey blindfold of apathy

That covers our eyes

There are few things as sightless as humankind

For even with our eyes wide

We only tend to see

Those we have chosen as enemies

Our contradicting thoughts cry havoc and play games

With actions that deceive

And lead us to forget our names

Until they are replaced

By shame, disgrace, and disgust

And we are left in a place

Where the only course that is safe

Is to place our lives in the hands of mistrust

When people so often tell the secrets and keep the lies

The idea that the little deaths come

From sharpened tongues

Is hard to deny

We fight fire with fire

And everything burns down

Until the moment that we figure out

That with chaos in our embrace

We are able to choose and replace

These tactics of destruction and control

With the very things that have created our souls

The freedom and free will

The release of the fear of the unknown

And above all else

The knowledge that none of us is ever truly alone

Whether within yourself or world wide

If you want the key to peace

Open your eyes and you will find

That it lies in empathy

A poem entitled Farewell

Farewell

 

A million seconds

A single moment

Graceful black eyes

That have become dark, murky pools

I gazed at you

And I knew no bounds

You changed your image

Ignoring the despair in my eyes

Heartless

You have become frozen

Neither tortured nor desperate

You have become transparent

Wraith like in your superficial world

You have lost your shadow

Its delusions on your lips

And emptiness on your mind

Do you dare sleep beside the traitor you have become?

Give me a reason

Do not let me forget what it was to love you

Sacrifice yourself respect

On the altar of acceptance

Burn incense to mask the scent of your treachery

Give into mass request

And when dreams of midnight past

Disappear behind your eyes

Will you mourn?

Do not shed a tear for me

Instead let your lamentations fall on your own deaf ears