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This was a year of the unexpected

Where I put more miles on my soul

And took risks that felt like falling

Staying with my friend’s family

I find some of the kindest

Most accepting people I have ever known

I felt…

At home.

As the convention came around

It was flawed

I still smiled

Two people came to my table

I called one “he”

She

Her friend gently corrected as they bought my book

I insisted on giving them a free book of poetry

To apologize

I signed it

You are beautiful 

The next day they told me they read

Pocketboys and loved it

We embraced

I felt…

At home.

Friends came and they were kinder than 

I expected

I saw one who was happier than I had ever seen him

We ate ice cream

I read poetry after a fiasco

I was still smiling

Gorgeous interuptions

And a bouquet of flowers

From my adoptive grandmother

My brother calls me a badass

I share every moment with my niece and nephew

Cherishing them as valuable as they are

I feel…

At home.

Waiting for my train I meet a stranger

Together we give a man

Enough money to get home

He wears a hospital bracelet and tries to give us his watch in thanks

We refuse

On I go, wearing tattered shoes

To greet family again in the form of my cousins

I am uneasy

But I wake up to a hug from my little cousin

And it’s all okay

It’s actually good

I don’t know what to do

But we talk

We bond 

I feel…

At home.

Off I go with a friend who I have known but not met

She kindly warns me 

That her car is holding two of her family

I want to curl up into a ball

There is no way they will like me

I want to hide in my hoodie

I am not made for family

I am falling

They quickly catch me

We go to the beach to see otters

We eat artichoke hearts

The day turns into night

With strong coffee

Warm conversation

And her little brother digging my style

Her son thinks I am cool

This is the kind of family

I dreamt about when I was little

I am accepted

I feel…

At home.

Off again 

A plane ride and the anxiety siezes me 

Sisters I haven’t seen in well over a decade

I will disappoint them

I know it

One of them says it feels like she just saw me last week

We have intense conversations

Like soldiers who survived a war zone

We cry together

We laugh together

It was so much more than any of us expected

I find that they were just as scared to see me

We are not meant for family

But we are family

I feel…

At home.

I leave…

I return

My fiance makes me dinner

We both agree it’s terrible

The next day I am walking

At 5 am in the warm September wind

A stranger talks to me

Explaing that his name is Stephen

With a ph

As if that is of great importance

I feel…

At home.

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Sister


Hazel.eyes that hold the cosmos

Constant drive

Hands that gently hold us

Kindness

The darker side

The mouth of poison

Is miniscule

Your apologies unecessay

Because my heart forgives

My heart loves

And at the center

Is you

Never feel like you are not enough

The crushing pressure 

On your shoulders

Was not placed ny you

And with out your strength 

I would have wilted like a flower 

Despite your doubt you are worthy

Despite the nightmares

You are the dream

You never failed

You were merely trapped

I wish nothing more

Than for you to cast aside

Your self inposed insecurity

And from the ashes

Of the horror ee endured

Rise from the askes

And glow like a shooting star that

We all look upon with aee

Hallelujah 


I am exhausted with sinners and saints

Acting like there is no grey

So I say my agnostic hallelujah 

I won’t be the martyr on the stage

But I will fight for what I believe

Till my hands bleed

The stigmata of someone who

Won’t stand down

Who won’t just pretend

That travesty is fine

I will not stand idly by

And let hate normalize

I will not listen to second hand saints

Whose willful ignorance 

Deserves penance to be paid

I will not listen to the double talk

Rhetoric 

From mouths filled with insidious poison

I will not kneel

I will not kiss the ring

Resist

Always resist

Rebel with acceptance 

Protest with peace

Fight 

Show them nothing can stop love

That’s my hallelujah 

Guilty


I won’t tell you you’re beatiful

Look elsewhere if

That is what you’re searching for

There is no such thing as honor

We are all ftactured

The approval we seek

Is only from others with dirty secrets

We can’t  hear our own voices anymore

I tire of these masks we wear

And I am guilty 

I would love to say that these words

Themselves

Are not me begging to regain

Everything lost

But that would be a lie in my mouth

I have heard silence so loud it hurt

Loneliness so strong it suffocated

My mistakes are endless

My trauma is extensive

I have returned from nowhere

I am not the only one

All of this

 and I will tell you what I have found

You don’t need to be beatiful

You don’t need to live your

“Best”

Life

Perfection is a shooting star that burns out

I won’t tell you you’re beatiful 
But amidst the chaos

The trauma

The lost chances

The story of your life has been written

You are the broken glass that creates a mirage

Liberation


There have been effects in my life

That I have clung to

With bleeding hands

And a begging mouth

I refused to let them slip away

People that I held too tightly

Until they could no longer

Take a breath

Items of no value

Except nostalgia

Ideas that I could not be convinced

Were untrue

Pain that embraced me

As I lay willing in it’s arms
Until a second

A strike of light

A shadow overwhelming

Overcame me
Essential and cutting

I was free

I was liberated
Everything I held on to

Faded away

My hands healed

And I let go

Redeemed

Oasis


I have such contempt

For those days that stretch out like eons

When my heart feels like a desert

Desiccated by the hateful sun

Teeming with life

That only comes out at night

Silent
Give me the the snarl

The tangle

The disquiet

Of rain

The scent on the wind

And that enthralling sensation

When the light changes

And the wind speaks
Eternity in a single drop

Then they come en masse

Let me worship

The thunder crash

The lightnight flash

The impishness

Unconcerned with destructiom
Give me peace as the storm eases

Let my eyes take in

The life it brings

Let me be a camera

Catching moments

To hold in my hands
Let my heart be an oasis