This Bitter Medicine

It’s weighing massive in my mind
This bitter medicine

I have seen my own descent
I know my body is broken
On rock bottom

Hidden from sight
Out of mind
Unwilling to part
With this remorse

While I hold on
Knuckles white and aching
I watch myself
Immersed
Only to return to breathing

Why does every change
Have to feel like the end of everything?

I’m aching for the light thrown by
The suns in my life
I’m starving

Thin
Like the thread
That I am clinging to

Real life offers no reprieve
There is no end to these beats
Of emotion
That course through my veins
And all along
It’s more of the same

So just give me a place to fall
Where I am not so broken
Give me time
All I can ask for is the gift of minutes

I take a deep breath
This bitter medicine
Is not venom

It is the key
And I have been behind locked doors
For too long

Honor Amongst Thieves

Honor?

Is that how this works?

Giving up
Taking steps
Finding some kind of higher power?
Like a backwoods preacher
Dancing with snakes
High on faith

I don’t know much about honor
I know even less about faith

Growing like a weed in the sun
Surviving
Till I am thriving
And giving up on myself

That is what I know

Is there honor amongst thieves?

There has to be

Between us
There is belief
Between us there is…
An anticipation

If I find a knife in my back
I know I will only have myself to blame

A downward spiral could mean losing everything

So wait for me
In the halcyon light

Wait for me to gather my will

My thieves
My turncoats
My deceptive lovelies

I am giving up
But not on myself this time
I am finding this place over and over again
Until I earn the right to stay

Mending

Warrior angel
This broken halo
A hill to die on
Immortal so far

Change is painful
But change I will
Anxious
With a devil
On my shoulder

Wondering why I didn’t do this before
The sacrifice
Lion and the lamb
The blood that keeps coming

Worth every painful wound
To love
An innocent child
A sister in arms
I give every ounce
Despite the fear

Broken halo
This sickness
I have come to accept
But never give into

I failed and faltered
Still I care
To make their worlds
A bit brighter

And now it’s my world
That is changing
Mending itself
Step by agonizing step

This is it

Now I can see
It’s like a riddle
That’s answer eluded me
Until now
This is it

Generational cruelty
Kept this hidden from me
But as I stare
Agape
At what family should be

I see it’s possible

The innocence
I never had the luxury of
The love
The bond
That was always
Just out of reach

My hands were always
Grasping for it
And now
My arms enclose it

This is it

How was this created
Around me?
How could I possibly deserve
To be a part of this?

I hold it
Fragile like glass
Because I am frightened
That the poison
Passed down to me
Will taint this glory

But still I hold it
Because I can’t
Help but love

This is it
This is family