For The Friends Who Say No

I have friends who comfort
I have loved ones who say
Keep going
You are worth something
I have friends who convince
Who plead
Who say yes

But tonight…
I am thankful for a rare breed

So here’s to the friends who say
No.
You are not going to destroy
Yourself today
If the world needs to burn
I will help you strike the match
But I won’t watch you fall
To petty concerns
Old wounds
Or pointless quests
Revenge
Grudges
Or your own screwed up lust
For pain

And when I ask
“What will you do then?
When the desire becomes so strong
That I long for blood?”

I will distract you
With cookies
And mayhem

Sounds like a motherfucking plan
My friends

Running with the Wolves

I dreamt of you last night

I never knew you when you were young
You didn’t live to grow old

So many nights my dreams were of your sickness
A fool’s stress filled black picture zoetrope
Me trying to save you
Me absorbing your pain

But last night
The projecter that shows me stories when I sleep
Showed me the man I knew

You were beautiful and strong
My brother was there
In the throes of youth
And I was comfortably
In the background
Safe

We were running
What from?
Where to?
I had no idea

It was the dead of night but
It tasted like honey
And sunrise

Because I was running with the wolves again…
And I was one of them

Bubblegum eyes

Coveted
Desired
Chased

Elusive like that memory
That lingers on the tip of my tongue
As such I wonder
If my longing
Is anything more than nostalgia

Because when caught
When trapped in my hand
You are a nightmare

Contorted
Bent
Something so terribly awry

Still I stare into your
Bubblegum eyes
Searching
For that flash of color
You once brought into my life

But nothing as sweet as my memory
Can be found
As you are as cold as a corpse to my lips
As you disintegrate at my touch
And you are gone again

So that I can forget
And the craving can return

Cera’s Story

Tomorrow something is happening. Tomorrow my big brother James Burton will be selling a special limited print run of his character Cera pictured here. Cera is a character from my brother’s amazing comic book Damage Inc. Almost all the characters in Damage Inc are based on real people and Cera is based on me. When he showed me this print I immediately started crying. The reasons for that were many. One being that the leather vest Cera is holding belongs to her dead father but also because my brother very much captured who I am with this print.Earlier I posted this as a reaction  “There are no words to convey how much I love this. How much I love seeing my words by Cera. And Cera… With purple hair and her rockers on her hoody. Cera in a perched position but curled into that familiar ball making herself *so* small. Cera with her long sleeves with thumb holes in them. With one sleeved arm hanging so very tiredly. And one hand grasping so tightly. Cera with her face wet with tears because it should be her Father’s hand she is holding not his leathers. Cera strong in her vulnerability because her Father taught her to live for those she loves and he taught her that by dying. Cera as she is in Damage Inc. Wearing the Mortal Eternal God’s Armor that lets her take damage and helps her defend the love and loyalty and brotherhood that Damage Inc. means to her. That is who Cera is to me.”

The title of the poem “Mortal Eternal Gods” came to me because I wrote the poem for my friend Meg who is a strong, beautiful woman who is also one hell of a survivor. Of life, of pain, of domestic abuse, and of sexual assault. Of all the poetry I have written James chose that one for Cera’s print. Because of all these things I feel compelled to do something I have never done before.

Even though I have been writing or 26 years now I have never publicly written or spoken about my own assault. I have written and spoken of my parents being neglectful drug addicts and when I was 13 and my father was not around my mother made a horrible decision that would forever change my life. James and I have a brother that is between us in age and he had an acquaintance from childhood who ended up having severe problems and was placed in a group home. He escaped and my mother found him. And despite my brother’s protests illegally brought him to live with us for reasons I will probably never understand and am not sure that I want to. I was the only girl in a house where there were a lot of drugs and no rules or adult supervision. He was quite a bit older than me and much bigger. His attacks on me physical, psychological, and sexual began almost immediately.They occurred every night that I was unable to escape to a friend’s house for over a year. And on the nights when I did escape he made it worse for me the next time. Until a friend found out and called the police and he was arrested on other charges. I was too frightened to press charges at the time. Due to the threats and psychological manipulation I was terrified to even tell my brothers. I also feared that they may have retaliated so severely one or both would be in prison for murder. I told my mother and she went back and forth between calling me a liar and telling me it was my fault for “being such a slut.”

The reason I have decided to tell this story now is because I want everyone to know when they buy a Cera print from James they are not only helping other survivors they are buying from one. The poem was written for a survivor by a survivor. James and I have talked about it and Cera is a survivor too, You will see later in her story that she is just as much of a survivor as I am. And I want every girl and every guy who has ever had to endure this kind of pain to know that Cera is a survivor too. Survivors are the people you meet every day. They are parents. They are artists. They are superheroes. Cera is a bad ass. She is powerful. She is loving. A lot of times she is perfectly happy. She is a superhero. She is motherfuckin Damage. And she is a survivor.

SacAnime Gives Back will be taking place at The McClellan Conference Center. Tomorrow, May 15th 2016 the non-profit organization WEAVE will be receiving two dollars from every admission ticket and 100% of the proceeds from a silent auction.WEAVE is the primary provider of crisis intervention services for survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault in Sacramento county. They also provide even more services that you can find information about here at http://www.weaveinc.org

After the event you can also buy 11″x 17″ Cera print here                 https://squareup.com/store/angry-brain-artworks/item/print-x-cera-armor-of-god

as well as other awesome Damage Inc merch at https://squareup.com/store/angry-brain-artworks

Mortal Eternal Gods

In childhood it began

That first moment
That first second

When protection was
No longer offered
By those we trusted as gods

When the first tear fell
For innocence lost

When the moisture grew dry
And left behind
This this residue of salt
That was the first

Crystaline layer of these walls

Seconds grew into
A tide of time
We found these precious
Gems of joy to protect
With each smile
We began to collect

Another piece
Of this armor
Metal
Mental
Sharp knives
Sharper spikes
And sharpest of all
The tongues that spoke our minds

Warriors we stood
Terrifying to behold
Fools feared the weapons
We so obviously adorned
But the ones who were wise
Who saw with keen eyes
Feared our sleeves
Where our hearts were worn

They feared the care
That flowed from hands
The feared the kindness
On our lips
They feared our eyes
To see them shine
To catch that glimpse

For so much love remained
Despite the scars
Despite the pain
Our drive was not so weak
As revenge
Our motivation not hatred
Not jealousy that had reached
Levels insane

Our weaknesses are clear
Our hearts exposed
We fear not favor
We fear not love
We fight for those

Attack our armor
Savage our vulnerability
Wound our very souls

We may bleed
We may suffer worse than death
But if you hope for defeat
You will never find success

Rage and detest
Hatred for the warriors we are
May drive you forward and take you far
But
Our exposed and beating hearts
Do not forget
Your vile rage is living death
Our love, our weakness, is eternal breath

Untitled like your name

I stare up at the night sky
Light years
Between those pin points of light
And the world begins to spin
Disorientation sets in

Knowing I am but a speck
In this infinity
I close my eyes
And feel the earth
Firm beneath my feet

Only to open my eyes
And see this mockery
Of reality

Like a stage
Where the lights
Are blinding

The plot has gone awry
The characters
Have descended into
Insanity
Chaos
Pandemonium

I set the bar so low
But they disregarded it
Completely
Selfishly

Share Gif: http://media.riffsy.com/images/903125c6c8465b133609776721f42a0d/raw I stand in the wings
Watching this travesty
Refusing to engage in the fallacy

My faith is trampled
As the illusion falls away
And soon I will stop
Being amazed

At this tragic joke
Of a life reveling in apathy
Rejoicing in each act
That is some how worst
Than the last
As I turn away

Disillusioned

The Fallen

The world saw a lavish Utopia

Yet in my small unnoticed place
In this dynasty
I see

A king starving for a feast
Alone he sits
At the head of the table

With empty plates
And rotting food
He wastes away

This place decays
As the mad queen wanders
Complimenting her great skill
She revels in the beauty
Only she can see

Quietly I wait and listen
This castle is crumbling
I pray for the day
It turns to dust

I beg the old gods
Who may be listening
That these mortal flaws
Bring ruin

That the deception
Is revealed
The people
Who were once ruled

Take their hands and crush
Each stone
That the king perishes
And the mad queen in chains

As we who once followed
Heal this fallow soil
That we replace
Every stone
Of this damned place
With life
And growing things

Second Second Sunday

Every year
Every
Single
Year
When social media is flooded
When advertisements are endless
When I see so many friends
Rejoice
I shrink
I withdraw
I do not even try to connect
With those like me
Because it hurts
Like stepping on shards of glass
It hurts
The second Sunday in May
Haunts me
This year I try
I try to think of every mother
Who loves
I manage to think
Of my fellow orphans
By circumstance
Or choice
And I dream of my Father
I try to remember those that
Love me
Regardless of blood
And gently
I begin to let the bitterness fade