It is nightfall after all
It is the blackwater memory
Looking beneath
To see my dead eyed doppelganger
Stare up at the stars
It is neither evil nor good
It simply is
It is nightfall after all
And I am waiting
Secrets are told by the sky
That I cannot repeat
Don’t stare too long
Or you will forget who you are
It is nightfall after all
Pages about the past
Like blood in my mouth
Like the DNA that ties us together
I remind myself
Now it is better
Now it is better
So why do I still feel sick?
To remember, to relive
But there is a breaking dawn
on the horizon
As I type out the poison
Giving myself free will
To turn the page
To another age
When I love
When I am not lonely
When I have family
Turn the page
And leave behind
All the rage
All the sorrow
Turn the page
Pages about the past
Like blood in my mouth
Like the DNA that ties us together
I remind myself
Now it is better
Now it is better
So why do I still feel sick?
To remember, to relive
But there is a breaking dawn
on the horizon
As I type out the poison
Giving myself free will
To turn the page
To another age
When I love
When I am not lonely
When I have family
Turn the page
And leave behind
All the rage
All the sorrow
Turn the page
It felt like I was the first
But I was the very last
The last to leave
The last to swear there would be no more
Now a new dillema
I can’t find the words
To explain
I’m pulling punches
While shadow boxing
What a clever thing to do
Because if I am being honest
I hate myself for loving you
I hate myself for being on your side
And these questions
I will never have answers to
Make my brain feel hot and black
I thought you couldn’t touch me anymore
I thought I was free
But I can’t write your name
I can’t tell my own story
Because you are gone
And I will never know why
Like a sunset fading
The fingers of light
still reach for me
When all I want is the stillness
Of night
I smile like I know where the bodies are buried
I carry myself like I am the one that put them there
But it’s true my trade is not in strength
But in raw and viscous vulnerability
I won’t apologize for that
And if I can’t look you in the eyes
It’s only because I am breathless
With the intensity
There is no escaping the skin you are living in
Even as I try to transcend
Every inch of skin crawls
I’m just as scared as I have ever been
But Still I smile like I know where the bodies are buried
And I carry myself like I put them there
It’s as if I’ve been marked
Marred in a way that everyone can see
But the secret we all keep
Is that almost all of us feel that way
Close to the vest or worn on your sleeve
Somehow we all tend to feel
That everyone is bound to leave
We aren’t worth it
Security is scarcity
And we are just waiting
For someone to prove us wrong
But that’s not going to stop me
From smiling like I know where the bodies are buried
And carrying myself like I put them there
I’m watching this on
Repeat
Repeat
Repeat
Repeat
Generations
They bleed
So few of us break free
But now I am seeing
The shackles in place
The locked door
Of a rusty cage
And I dream about it each night
Wishing my mouth was not
Stitched shut
Once, twice, three times a blight
And I am calling my bluff
I advise
I try
But nothing is enough
Take my hands if the will heal you
Take my eyes
If they help you to see the truth
But my heart remains
Far away
Upon the page
Never for you to touch
This is your doing
And you’ve done it too much
For me to ignore
I keep showing you the door
But you’ve lost the key
Generations, they bleed
Can you out run
This?
Angel
A bullet fired from the gun
Of the past
That leaves blood on your wings
Can you play this role?
Angel
The comedy in tragedy
The black humor
And bitterness on your tongue
Is this one for the bookshelf?
Angel
Wrapped in monochrome
Cookie cutter delight
Would you cover the colors
For the perfect life?
Are you with me?
Angel
Choking on the words
Tasting the blood
From biting your tongue
Are you listening?
Angel
To hear you are loved
Would you fall to earth
Because you feel that that is
What you deserved?
You can’t deny it
Angel
If only you could
How I cherish this meandering privacy
As if secrets already told
Are still worth keeping
How I hold on to my unspeakable
Thoughts
When I am learning to be heard
And still a part of me cries out
In shame
Distraught
When I talk
Overwhelmed
When I so softly
Approach the precipice
Falling
Into these friendships
That matter more
Than I will ever admit
My hunger for being alone
At war
With my deep need
To interact
So piece by piece
I draw these things together
Knowing the wolf is at my door
And I will go outside
And embrace it
I wish it wasn’t like this
I wish I could stop counting the days
Down to the minute
Like an addict of time
I have a twisted
Nostalgia for being out of
Control
I never knew
So much responsibility
Came
With being loved
I never knew how fragile
And how forgiving
Hearts are
Until I broke them all
Then it was my needle and thread
That was able to mend
What I thought would always
Be a void
I walk on tip toe
I am quiet and unbearably still
I am open like the desert sky
I am secretive like the desert below
Counting forever counting
Tracking the minutes on my skin
Pushing away all thoughts
Grabbing at the strands that
Keep me tied to
Those I love
Counting the seconds now
Don’t give up
Someday
You will be fearless
Again
I always walked the fine line
Between destruction and creation
Until I was brought to my knees
Felled by my own weakness
Then stark contrast
Was all there was
Between who I am
And who I would become
A glaring choice
Devils and angels voices
Ringing in my ears
Both paths treacherous
Betrayal or terror
The scales before me
Weighing my soul
With no weapons in these empty hands
With my sharp tongue lying dormant
I decided
I fought the silent battle
With only my will
I destroyed myself
In nihilistic fury
Only to believe again
In this thrumming heart
All for the simple pleasure
Of a smile
Iconoclastgrey Word Artist 