Storm


Time is the black water ocean between us9

As I choke on those high minutes

My standards for you were

Impossible

As I pinned my flawed hopes

On a mortal sick in her own skin
You are the storm

The worst part is the calm

The worst part is the cold

The worst part is when you let go
In a frenzy you lit up the sky

Until we were all blind

To what you didn’t want us to see

Ice painted in shades of

Denial and apathy
You are the storm

The worst part is the calm

The worst part is the cold

The worst part is you letting go
What fools we were

Because it was never that easy

I can see through ferocity

And I never minded the rain

I can forgive the ice that slashes

And cuts
You will always be the storm
The worst part will always be the calm

The worst part will always be the cold

The worst part will always be you letting go
But see me now

Don’t look away

Because now I see that standing in the eye

Of every lost moment

And every maelstrom

Is a scared kid

Just like me
And all that time we spent with eyes closed

All that time we spent…

For who could ever love a storTime is the black water ocean between us

As I choke on those high minutes
My standards for you were
Impossible
As I pinned my flawed hopes
On a mortal sick in her own skin

You are the storm
The worst part is the calm
The worst part is the cold
The worst part is when you let go

In a frenzy you lit up the sky
Until we were all blind
To what you didn’t want us to see
Ice painted in shades of
Denial and apathy

You are the storm
The worst part is the calm
The worst part is the cold
The worst part is you letting go

What fools we were
Because it was never that easy
I can see through ferocity
And I never minded the rain
I can forgive the ice that slashes
And cuts

You will always be the storm
The worst part will always be the calm
The worst part will always be the cold
The worst part will always be you letting go

But see me now
Don’t look away
Because now I see that standing in the eye
Of every lost moment
And every maelstrom
Is a scared kid
Just like me

And all that time we spent with eyes closed
All that time we spent…
For who could ever love a storm?
The one that never lets go

The one that never lets go

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Patchwork


There are steps we take

Closer

Further away

And I didn’t truly see the stars

Till the night was cold

And I was tattered

In a far away place

With no one to grab my arm

And steer me from danger

You were a whisper

And I thought 

As I walked that I wished

I could hear you

My twin flame

Who only suspected my secrets

I am all secrets now

There is no 3 am playground

For me to quietly hint

There is no unfeeling town

Where our feet smashed against

The pavement

There is only the dizzying stars

And moments that will lead me

To be

Patchwork deception

And fumbling fabrication

And as I try to tear away

This duplicitous costume

I wish that even in your cold judgment

I could tell you the truth

I wish I could make this mouth

Form the words at all

Because it hurts 

In the pit of my stomach

Missing you

And carrying this shame

11 days


My mouth was charcoal black

As I raved

I left that place

But never escaped

And oh how I craved

That nihilistic oblivion

The taste in my mouth

Blissfully numb

Destroying

Destroying everything

That secret self

The one I despise and exalt

The one who sleeps but not to dream

The one with the vicious tongue

And mouth full of salt

Dodging death

Dig it

I can play the game

Tracing back the patterns

On my doorstep lays the blame

11 days

Struggling

11 days 

One last chance

Amidst the pain and turmoil

I look upon myself and see

That blackened mouth

Home


This was a year of the unexpected

Where I put more miles on my soul

And took risks that felt like falling

Staying with my friend’s family

I find some of the kindest

Most accepting people I have ever known

I felt…

At home.

As the convention came around

It was flawed

I still smiled

Two people came to my table

I called one “he”

She

Her friend gently corrected as they bought my book

I insisted on giving them a free book of poetry

To apologize

I signed it

You are beautiful 

The next day they told me they read

Pocketboys and loved it

We embraced

I felt…

At home.

Friends came and they were kinder than 

I expected

I saw one who was happier than I had ever seen him

We ate ice cream

I read poetry after a fiasco

I was still smiling

Gorgeous interuptions

And a bouquet of flowers

From my adoptive grandmother

My brother calls me a badass

I share every moment with my niece and nephew

Cherishing them as valuable as they are

I feel…

At home.

Waiting for my train I meet a stranger

Together we give a man

Enough money to get home

He wears a hospital bracelet and tries to give us his watch in thanks

We refuse

On I go, wearing tattered shoes

To greet family again in the form of my cousins

I am uneasy

But I wake up to a hug from my little cousin

And it’s all okay

It’s actually good

I don’t know what to do

But we talk

We bond 

I feel…

At home.

Off I go with a friend who I have known but not met

She kindly warns me 

That her car is holding two of her family

I want to curl up into a ball

There is no way they will like me

I want to hide in my hoodie

I am not made for family

I am falling

They quickly catch me

We go to the beach to see otters

We eat artichoke hearts

The day turns into night

With strong coffee

Warm conversation

And her little brother digging my style

Her son thinks I am cool

This is the kind of family

I dreamt about when I was little

I am accepted

I feel…

At home.

Off again 

A plane ride and the anxiety siezes me 

Sisters I haven’t seen in well over a decade

I will disappoint them

I know it

One of them says it feels like she just saw me last week

We have intense conversations

Like soldiers who survived a war zone

We cry together

We laugh together

It was so much more than any of us expected

I find that they were just as scared to see me

We are not meant for family

But we are family

I feel…

At home.

I leave…

I return

My fiance makes me dinner

We both agree it’s terrible

The next day I am walking

At 5 am in the warm September wind

A stranger talks to me

Explaing that his name is Stephen

With a ph

As if that is of great importance

I feel…

At home.

Sister


Hazel.eyes that hold the cosmos

Constant drive

Hands that gently hold us

Kindness

The darker side

The mouth of poison

Is miniscule

Your apologies unecessay

Because my heart forgives

My heart loves

And at the center

Is you

Never feel like you are not enough

The crushing pressure 

On your shoulders

Was not placed ny you

And with out your strength 

I would have wilted like a flower 

Despite your doubt you are worthy

Despite the nightmares

You are the dream

You never failed

You were merely trapped

I wish nothing more

Than for you to cast aside

Your self inposed insecurity

And from the ashes

Of the horror ee endured

Rise from the askes

And glow like a shooting star that

We all look upon with aee

Hallelujah 


I am exhausted with sinners and saints

Acting like there is no grey

So I say my agnostic hallelujah 

I won’t be the martyr on the stage

But I will fight for what I believe

Till my hands bleed

The stigmata of someone who

Won’t stand down

Who won’t just pretend

That travesty is fine

I will not stand idly by

And let hate normalize

I will not listen to second hand saints

Whose willful ignorance 

Deserves penance to be paid

I will not listen to the double talk

Rhetoric 

From mouths filled with insidious poison

I will not kneel

I will not kiss the ring

Resist

Always resist

Rebel with acceptance 

Protest with peace

Fight 

Show them nothing can stop love

That’s my hallelujah