Process of Grieving II
I tell people I am terrible at grieving
When you exited this world
I watched my friends and family
Panic in their grief
I watched them sob
I saw their anger
And I stood on the sidelines
The only thing I was capable of saying
Was “Oh”
Years later
Long after I had accepted
That I would never grieve
I read a passage in a book
I found myself crying
In that horrible sobbing way
That makes your heart ache
And beg
And fall upon its knees
I realize now
That I was a child
Unable to understand
The guilt that comes
From not lamenting with the others
Is tempered by
The fact that I know
You did not want me
To cry for a broken body lost
But years later I realized
I was crying for the person
Who never understood me
And I never understood
But I remember the respect
That we had for each other
I remember the fights
Where neither of us were right
But neither of us would give in
We were so different
I never wanted to listen
To the small things you taught me
You wanted to teach me control
Which I never wanted to learn
I was your troublemaker
In a very specific way
And now I hold on to what I have of you
A few possessions
But mostly your spirit carried on
I struggled to escape it
But now I take pride in it
I wear the ring that is like the one you gave me
I keep my last name
I let the hole in my heartache
Just to be close to you
I dream of you
And more than anything
I miss you
Daddy
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