Process of Grieving II


Process of Grieving II

I tell people I am terrible at grieving

When you exited this world

I watched my friends and family

Panic in their grief

I watched them sob

I saw their anger

And I stood on the sidelines

The only thing I was capable of saying

Was “Oh”

Years later

Long after I had accepted

That I would never grieve

I read a passage in a book

I found myself crying

In that horrible sobbing way

That makes your heart ache

And beg

And fall upon its knees

I realize now

That I was a child

Unable to understand

The guilt that comes

From not lamenting with the others

Is tempered by

The fact that I know

You did not want me

To cry for a broken body lost

But years later I realized

I was crying for the person

Who never understood me

And I never understood

But I remember the respect

That we had for each other

I remember the fights

Where neither of us were right

But neither of us would give in

We were so different

I never wanted to listen

To the small things you taught me

You wanted to teach me control

Which I never wanted to learn

I was your troublemaker

In a very specific way

And now I hold on to what I have of you

A few possessions

But mostly your spirit carried on

I struggled to escape it

But now I take pride in it

I wear the ring that is like the one you gave me

I keep my last name

I let the hole in my heartache

Just to be close to you

I dream of you

And more than anything

I miss you

Daddy

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First Heartbreak


Our first heartbreak is not our junior high crush

It is our parents

Our mentors

Our teachers

Those we hold high

Those placed on pedestals

Built from our hopes

I remember looking at my sister’s face

The day she sent me away

She couldn’t meet my eyes

And I thought

I have no one left to believe in

The hardest part

Was how human she looked

As she tried to keep her tears

From falling

The truth is that

Idols fail

They break

Sometimes they even have

The sheer gall to do something so terrible

As to die

To love a eidolon in a palace

Seems without risk

Until we see them fiddle

While the kingdom burns

But this realization allows

For us to see

That we

Who may also be worshipped

Are just as flawed

Each of us may live

To see ourselves become villains

And the love and worship

That we give and take

Never comes without risk

The pain of that broken pedestal

Is like no other

It scars in a way that reminds

That aches

It is the most difficult lesson we learn

About consequence

And the actions we take