Soliloquy of Self

My disinterested speech
The audience in my thrall
No dreams may come from this
For what dreams may come at all?
I’m still speaking
My voice cracking and breaking
Unwilling to give in
To the heedless anarchy
That flows through my veins
Even though
I so desperately want to
I talk as if the world will end
If I stop
Because words are my worlds
Swirling galaxies
And I am agonizingly
Desperate
To make them
Beautiful
And tragic
With painful honesty
I hide behind simile
I toss metaphors
Like roses at your feet
Because if I let go
For even a moment
The stage darkens
The doors open
And I am alone

Sleeping

Sometimes I sleep
Fully clothed
A throwback from
Teenage days
When I slept
On park benches
It’s comfort in trauma
My sweatshirt
Is my God
I am lost without it
All I have to fear
Is my past
Dusty and decrepit
But those days
When I was discarded
Are persistent
I am safe
Or am I?
The question
Always on my mind
Panic like memories
And tonight
I sleep in my clothes

Who am I?

You say “It’s nice to see you again
You were so lost”
Maybe I was
Or possibly I was taking
What I needed
I want to be numb
Is that so bad?
Perhaps it is
I wasn’t myself
But I don’t want to be
Right now
So lock the box
And I’ll try
As I always do
Even though I
So often fail
I’m sorry
And I am not
Dazed and distracted
It’s all so confusing
This is me being honest
This is me being vulnerable
And I am terrified
I think of things
I shouldn’t
I act impulsively
You found me
So why do I still
Feel lost?

The Fire and Ice of Your Death

I am dim
These days
Smoldering in my grief

I play with the flames
But they barely burn
My ice covered world
My snow blanketed society

Usually I would welcome
The frost
But it bites a little too hard
Without you here

How am I to endure
Missing you forever?
I am hollow
Agony echoes through me
As if I am made of
Haunted hallways

But what am I to say?
As I try and try
To process that you are gone
Without my heart freezing

You were a gift
You were pure and good
You had a life that
Most would envy

Words of attempted comfort
That don’t make missing you
Any easier
And I do
I miss you
Like a smoldering flame
That can still burn