Slowly and Dreamlike

A dead man walking
Expecting at any moment
For the noose to be pulled tight

Enduring this kind laughter
Reviewing these petulant accolades

And as the house cats play.
Slowly and dreamlike

I think of how simple it would be
To live a life

Where I am not experimenting
With what is right
Where to lead
Where to go
Who to be

If I could smash this mirror
Of artifice

If I could take a sharp little blade
And carve away
All the shards

To reach
The blood and bone beneath

To strip away
The imagined time and space
Too many things
Too many people in one place

Now my sore mouth speaks
Too many thinly veiled words

And as I tick off on fingers
The ways I control worlds

I am beginning to realize
Maybe I’m not ready to
Only live one life

A True Ruler

When I look back
At the things I will
Never do again

Sometimes there is
Cringing regret
And sometimes
There is a sweet
Blue melancholy

I see someone
Who cared too much

Someone who
Picked
Too many battles

Self righteous anger
And a hill to die on

I see park benches
And clothes
In my best friends dryer

I see late nights
That dissolved into
Too many days awake

I see missed
Opportunities
When emotion
Threw me
And I lost
My place

Years where memories
Are nothing more
Than shapes

And time wasn’t
Valuable

When I look back
At the things
I will never do
Again

I see growth
I see a sense of self
Where none
Was before

I see value you
In others
And a dislike
Of wasted days

I see the change

I do not hate
The chaotic queen
I was

But I adore the one
I have become

A true ruler
And not just
Another
Crying for mercy