Fairweather

My skin is cool
I wrap myself in a blanket

There is a certain kindness
To finding warmth

It’s with a specific sadness
That I recall
How little
You knew that feeling

All apologies
Could never
Transcribe upon
My mind
That you ever sought
Warmth for warmth’s sake

It was always a cynical glance
With those cunning eyes
Knowing that you could drain
Every drop
Every ounce
And ruthlessly
Give nothing back

It’s haunting
The way I sleep at night
Grasping at straws
Of memories
Where you almost touched
The sunlight

I will find
What I find
In retrospection
And the comfort
Of knowing myself

But my skin is cool
I wrap myself in a blanket

And I know that I
Find more reprieve
More kindness
Than you ever knew
In my own arms

The Things I’ve Earned

I smile easily
I laugh with abandon
My anger runs
Hotter than a blinding sun
Then is quickly forgotten
Into the ashes

You may see this
As the path of least resistance

But no

It took work
Back breaking labor
It took time
That nearly drowned me
It took shape
Like a sculptor creating

And I cling to it
I will not forsake it

There were days
On cold sterile floors
Where I thought
I would never laugh again

There were nights
Sleepless and taunting
Where I thought
My rage was my only
Lover

Too many places
I have been
Where I didn’t recognize
What I saw in the mirror

Too many anticlimactic
Melodramatic
Tears shed
on things
Best left alone

So now I smile easily
And I laugh with abandon
And all has burned away
Forgotten to the ashes

Grief and the Sunrise

I had a nightmare last night
You were in it
And I was screaming
It’s you!
Why is it always you!?
But it’s not as complex
As therapy
Would have you believe
You were the one
I couldn’t save
From childhood innocence
To teenage angst
To the fog of my twenties
It was always you
My erstwhile father
My lost cause
From broken heart
To broken mind
To broken body
And here I make my
Morning cup of tea
And you are gone
One last thing
I couldn’t save you from
Dying alone
But let it be known
That I don’t regret trying
I learned what freedom
Meant from you
Freedom like wolves
In the mountains
I learned empathy in my failure
The kind of empathy
That comes like a sunrise
And I learned that you can’t
Always win
Like a bloody lip
In a schoolyard fight
Like a tragic star crossed
Romance
Like a car crash that you watch
Second by second
But cannot stop
You can’t always win
So today maybe I won’t
Cry
Today maybe I’ll just remember
What you taught me
And not what we both lost

Bent Spoons

Spirals and cycles
Warfare on the fray
Just another daughter missing
And one more question
Of why?
But the answers the same
As it always has been
Bent spoons and bent choices
Long remembered days
And people best forgotten
We can only wait
And watch
And hope
She’s not the next
In the fated spread of Illness
We can pray she comes back
To a home
But she doesn’t have one
And the secret we keep is
That none of us do
Just people that remind us
Who we are
Oh lost girl
Don’t repeat
Don’t repeat
Those lost words
In a lost place
I won’t say there’s no
Chance for you

Shadow

A shadow
A lurking presence
I can’t stop
Looking over my shoulder
I can’t stop
Standing still
I would kill
For freedom
I would murder
Myself
Just to have
One flash
Of opportunity
One second
Where these
Binds do not tie
My wrists are torn
My mind is trapped
And all I have
Is apology
I’m sorry’s
I’m contrite
My story told
In shame
My glory
Held high
But still that shadow
Still that lurking presence
Because as much
As I loathe the word
I was a victim
Struggling to become
A survivor
I love my life
I have some pride
Hidden as it might be
But still that shadow
Follows me
With wet footsteps
And whispers

Entangled

I don’t want to
Remember anymore
I want to live
Like sunflowers
In the sun
My sorrow is
A part of me
The weeds beneath
My feet
That try to strangle
And steal
But little do they know
How strong I can grow
After all it is that
They exist that I grew.
At all
For it is the struggle
That brings the power
And the forgotten
That lets you grow
We are entangled together
Trials side by side.
To remember
To forget
To grow

Silver

Melancholy addiction
Addiction in it’s truest form
Too numb
Like fingertips
And lips
But these days
Eat me alive
As I crawl
On my knees
Bleeding
For that silver
Coursing through me
And I can’t sleep
My eyes close
By body
Shuts down
But my body
Refuses to yeild
I need more
Always more
I need.
I hunger
But the addition
Never satisfies
I could wish
I could pray
But the need always
Answers

The Sword and The Pen

These days feel
Like drowning
These nights feel
Like fire
Burning out of control
I watch
Anxiously
Wringing my hands
And pacing the floor
While others March
And risk everything
At the hands of
A society
Showing the worst
Of itself
While those who
Deserve to rage
Try to show the best
But intentions get lost
Amidst violence
Spreading through
Every aspect of the spectrum
Nobility
Is dazed
Humanity
Is adrift
As these extremes
Crash into each other
Leaving those who
Wish for peace
And those who beg for love
Bloodied and overcome
I feel sick
I feel helpless
Every story
Every journey
Every revolution
Begins with a single step
A line drawn in the sand that
Says no more
Every ally starts with a voice
That can speak a little
Louder
And can exist
Without fading to
Invisibility
With respect I speak
Because the time has come
Enough is enough
This is life or death
With love I write
That we cannot stand by
Anymore
As we have before
Blind and unsure
With unity I stand
With those who
Comprehend what I have
Never known
Cry out
Take to the streets
Speak and speak and speak
With an embracing heart
I listen
It is my time to stand beside you
It is your time to stand up
I am with you
And it is only with privilege
That I wield the pen
And not the sword
It is my place now
To try to face these travesties
And understand