Process of Grieving II


Process of Grieving II

I tell people I am terrible at grieving

When you exited this world

I watched my friends and family

Panic in their grief

I watched them sob

I saw their anger

And I stood on the sidelines

The only thing I was capable of saying

Was “Oh”

Years later

Long after I had accepted

That I would never grieve

I read a passage in a book

I found myself crying

In that horrible sobbing way

That makes your heart ache

And beg

And fall upon its knees

I realize now

That I was a child

Unable to understand

The guilt that comes

From not lamenting with the others

Is tempered by

The fact that I know

You did not want me

To cry for a broken body lost

But years later I realized

I was crying for the person

Who never understood me

And I never understood

But I remember the respect

That we had for each other

I remember the fights

Where neither of us were right

But neither of us would give in

We were so different

I never wanted to listen

To the small things you taught me

You wanted to teach me control

Which I never wanted to learn

I was your troublemaker

In a very specific way

And now I hold on to what I have of you

A few possessions

But mostly your spirit carried on

I struggled to escape it

But now I take pride in it

I wear the ring that is like the one you gave me

I keep my last name

I let the hole in my heartache

Just to be close to you

I dream of you

And more than anything

I miss you

Daddy

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